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Post archive for ‘You gotta be shittin' me’

The Greatest Entertainer Ever To Live(49)

Sunday, I posted ?uestlove’s argument that Beyonce is the next MJ. Needless to say, myself and MANY others disagreed. If you are just joining us you can read ?uesto’s full argument on my previous blog here:

http://windimoto.com/scorpeze-blog/?p=456

Good people, I want to be brief but the fact is to comprehend MJ is a huge undertaking. Though Mr. Thompson had some interesting points, his claim is poorly thought out and completely without merit.

First off, let me say that there are certain facts about Mrs. Beyonce Giselle Knowles-Carter than cannot be disputed.

A) She is talented.
B) She can sing.
C) She can dance.
D) She has star quality.
E) She is a beautiful woman.

That being said, there are definitely parallels between Mrs. Knowles and Michael Joseph Jackson:

A) They both have been entertainers since they were children
B) They are both driven to be the best in their field
C) They have reaped great success in the entertainment industry
D) They are both Virgos–thus hard workers and shy people that come alive on stage
E) They both came from groups that they inevitably outgrew
F) They both-because of growing up in the entertainment industry-have somewhat stunted social development
G) They have overbearing fathers who guided their careers.
H) They both bammas
I) They Black

…and that’s where the comparisons stop.

When Berry Gordy stood before the world at MJ’s memorial and finally said out loud what the world already knew but for numerous reasons could not bring itself to freely admit–that Michael Jackson is the greatest entertainer to ever live–NO ONE could offer an argument to the contrary…because there is no argument to the contrary.

There is a point when you are no longer great, but legendary…where you are no longer legendary, but an icon…where you are no longer an icon but the Gold Standard by which all others are measured…MJ reached that level….

MJ didnt just “change the game”, he obliterated the old game and put a new one in its place.

This may sound like hyperbole, but the facts speak for themselves.

No one has sold as many records as MJ. Period. But record sales are only a piece of this pie. Yes, Thriller had a lot of serendipity going for it, but the pieces had been put into place a long time before that…

At the age of FIVE YEARS OLD, MJ was already on a level that he relieved his older brother Jermaine of his lead singer position in the Jackson 5. Grown men refused to play on a bill with him. He was a seasoned enough entertainer that his competition in talent shows swore that he was not a child, but an adult midget (true story). A child had professional adult entertainers shook. Bear in mind, this was the 60’s, where you couldnt lipsynch, use auto-tune, or prerecorded tracks. If you didnt have the goods, you were forced to leave the stage, cute kid or not. The Jackson 5 won EVERY talent show they entered.

Another true story. At the age of THREE YEARS OLD, MJ sang Climb Ev’ry Mountain in school one day. His teacher wept.

Etta James told this story to MJ biographer J. Randy Taraborelli. She said that one night on a tour stop in the Midwest, she noticed a little boy hanging around her dressing room before showtime. She was trying to prepare for the show and the kid was distracting her. She marched up to the kid and told him to get lost. The kid scrambled away. Later, after her set, the boy appeared at her dressing room door. She asked him “What do you want, kid?” The boy replied, “Miss James, my father told me to come and apologize for bothering you earlier. I didn’t meant to, its just that you’re so good. I just want to know how you do it…” Etta had a change of heart and invited the boy in for some pointers. She remembers (in a self-congratulatory way) thinking to herself after the boy had gone, “One day, that boy is going to be the best…because he wants to learn from the best…”.

Mind you, this is going on before Motown ever knew The Jackson 5 existed. The rest, as they say, is history.

There are artists that we enjoy, and then there are artists that we FEEL. They give us pause. They make us consider things. They make us sit up and pay attention, and what they do and say stays with us long after the show is over or the record stops.

I’ve always said that you can divide entertainers into 2 categories: Artists and Acts.

Acts wants your attention and praise. They use whatever talent they may have to gain your favor. It doesnt matter to them how they do it. You pay them and clap for them and they are satisfied.

Artists also wants your attention and praise, but the difference is that an artist feels duty bound to share their gifts. They perform in service of the audience. They feel compelled to connect with their audience, to give a voice to whatever you in the audience may be thinking or feeling. At other times, an artist has something to say that they feel everyone should hear. An artist has purpose and integrity.

Michael Jackson felt duty bound to right the wrongs of the world. He wanted people to stop hurting each other and start loving each other more. It was this message of love that was the foundation of his music and performances until his last day on Earth.

Michael Jackson is an artist. At the age of 18, he pleaded with us to come together in songs like Show You The Way To Go, Living Together, Dreamer, and Strength of One Man. He continued on with a constant message.
-Man of War
-Can You Feel It
-We Are The World
-Earth Song
-They Dont Care About Us
-Beat It
-Heal The World
-Bless His Soul
-Man In The Mirror
-Keep The Faith
-On The Line (which was the theme song to the only film that I know of about the Million Man March)

if you wanna talk empowerment, he said:
“Lift your head up high and scream out to the world
I know I am someone, so let the truth unfurl
No one can hurt you now cause you know its true
Yes, I believe in me, so you believe in you
Help me sang it
Sing to the world, sing it out loud”

He wrote that when he was 21.

Lots of people write inspirational songs, mattafact there’s a whole sub-genre of music dedicated to just that, but when MJ sang people listened…people in all corners of the globe.

While it may seem that Im just retreading old shit…I remind you that we are talking about someone who is being talked about as the “next” one of this caliber, so I think its important to realize what caliber we taumbout here….

We taumbout a cat who inspired the world to stop and not only realize the plight of Africa, but help…you had kids sending in allowances, and Mr. Joe Six Pack writing a check for famine relief….These days that type of widescale philanthropy is commonplace…

We’re taumbout a cat that made grown men cry during and after his life (I’ve seen it). A person who has little children demanding that their parents buy them his music AFTER his death.

MJ changed the way Black men approached singing. How many baritones are there in R&B these days? These days a little white kid is just as likely to start singing in an R&B style than forming a rock band because of MJ.

MJ wrote songs that are part of the permanent fiber of global culture.

MJ made Fred Astaire bow down.

Even MJ’s hero, the notoriously egocentric genius and architect of modern Black music, James Brown insisted that even though MJ had learned from him that MJ was an original.

To this day, people are still trying to discover what made MJ tick.

MJ survived a scandal that would have obliterated anyone else’s career-TWICE. After 8 years of creative silence, then man announced that he was back and instantly sold out the same arena 50 times over.

This is the man we are talking about here. This is the entertainer we are talking about. This is the artist we are talking about.

And who is Questo proclaiming to be his rightful successor?

Beyonce.

Beyonce?

For all the talent, charisma, success, and work ethic that Beyonce has, let’s be really damn real.

She aint fuckin with MJ.

She may be one of the many entertainers in the mold of MJ, but the “NEXT” MJ?

How so? Because there are some similarities in their careers? That aint enough…

Let take the visual out of the equation.

let’s sit MJ’s catalogue next to Beyonce’s….that’s not even fair…

What is the criteria? Beyonce’s songwriting? Aight, let’s look at that….

on persistent suitors:
MJ – “She comes to the door/crying at my feet/Guilt shines in her eyes/as she slowly sinks in deep/You know our love couldnt last forever/persuade your way/but you aint clever/ I close the door and I say never….”

Yonce – “So what/you bought a pair a shoes/what now I guess you think I owe you/you dont have to call as much as you do/Id give em back to be through with you/so what/my mama likes you…”

on self-empowerment:
MJ – “And when you think of trust/Does it lead you home?/To a place/that you only dream of/When you’re all alone/And you can go by feel/’Stead of circumstance/But the power’s in believing/So give yourself a chance…”

Yonce – “the shoes on my feet/I bought it/the clothes I’m wearing/I bought it/the rock Im rockin/I bought it/cuz I depend on me/if I want it/the watch Im wearin/I bought it/the house I live in/I bought it/the car Im drivin/I bought it/cuz I depend on me…”

on a broken heart:
MJ – “and it doesnt seems to matter/and it doesnt seems right/cuz the will has brought no fortune/still I cry alone at night/dont you judge of my composure/cuz Im bothered everyday/and she didnt leave a letter/she just up and ran away…”

Yonce – “Now that it’s over/Stop calling me/Come pick up your clothes/Ain’t no need to front like you’re still with me/All your homies know/Even your very best friend/Tried to warn me on the low/It took me some time/But now I am strong…”

I think we can see that we’re not dealing with the same caliber of songwriter…Also let me point out, that songwriting and producing actual music is one of the things that MJ was known for (if the word “Quincy” enters your mind, go see my “In Memoriam Part 1″ blog, then rejoin us here). it is common knowledge now that if you want a track on a Yonce album you are REQUIRED to give her a writing AND production credit–whether she did any work or not. Tsk Tsk, mayne. Okay, we know that she’s written lyrics before. Schmoove. But sometimes she doesnt when the credits say otherwise. See If I Was A Boy.

But Beyonce aint twisted knob the first, or arranged a string session, or worked out chords with musicians. Mike has. Kenny Gamble told CBS in 1977 that Mike and his broze didnt need a babysitter in the studio anymore.

Vocally? *looks at the camera*. I’ve only heard B sing ONE song with any kind of believable emotion (the latter song quoted above). Yonce fans, feel free to point me in the direction of any other song by her that moves you emotionally (please say Get Me Bodied). Meanwhile, Mike made HIMSELF cry every time he sang She’s Out Of My Life. EVERY time. Its one thing to sing well, its another thing to make people feel…

Videos? Mike damn near invented the video. I challenge you to make it all the way through this:

Like I was saying…what other criteria are we judging on, Mr. Thompson?

Record sales? Popularity? The scales are not coming anywhere close to balancing with those factors on the table…MJ’s weakest selling album ran 10 million out the gate with little promotion and one video.

Dancing? Again, Fred Astaire, James Brown, and every kid that dances professionally now cites MJ as an inspiration. He created his own dance vocabulary, his moves are studied. Even K-Fed said that the greatest moment in his life was dancing for MJ. Beyonce’s choreographer left her tour to audition for This Is It. Not for a job, to audition. Yes, MJ learned from the best but in the end when you bust certain moves people know automatically who you are mimicking. Yes, Yonce had her Single Ladies moment and everyone wanted to learn the steps but the same thing happened with the Achy Breaky Heart, The Macarena, and MC Hammer’s Chinese Typewriter. Do the Single Ladies dance 10 years from now at a party if you want. People are still doing Thriller–27 years later. Let someone accurately dance like MJ and a crowd gathers…

Is Beyonce the biggest pop star in the world right now? Yes. has she been successful for a while now? Yes. But she’s hardly alone in wearing that distinction.

Lastly, let’s talk about influence. MJ has inspired millions of people to better themselves, care about others, be ecologically responsible (long before it was hip to be “green”…BTW, MJ was a vegetarian back when fast food still tasted good), be the best they can be, follow their dreams, and take pride in being different. He has personally mentored actors, athletes, emcees, choreographers, filmmakers, authors, activists, singers, musicians, entrepreneurs, doctors, etc…both young and old.

What is Yonce’s influence? Inspiring insecure women to shake their asses half naked in a room full of strangers? Who is she inspiring and what is she inspiring them to do? To wear as little clothing as possible? Throwing your man out of the house? Emotionally blackmailing him to marry you? (the less I say about Yonce’s relationship, the better) To writhe around on the floor and spread your legs? To drive around in the Pussy Wagon???

Warning: Opinion ahead.

I absolutely fucking cringe when I hear someone suggest that Yonce is a role model that young women should be emulating. In the last decade, she has gone from suggestive to risque to desperate. What would happen if she put her legs, ass, and titties away? Would we be still be having this conversation about her artistic merit? Sweet Lawd, WHEN will women learn the difference btwn taking ownership of their sexuality and exploiting themselves?

A large part of Yonce’s appeal is that she makes records out of women’s sillier fantasies.

-Kitty Kat: I’ll withhold pussy from you if you dont give me the amount of attention I want
-Irreplaceable: I’ll kick you out the crib and you wont have a word to say about it. Oh yeah, Im going to further provoke you by inviting another dude over here in the middle of a hostile situation
-Freakum Dress: Im feeling insecure about my relationship, so instead of talking to my man…Im going to the club in the sluttiest clothes I can find…that’ll teach his ass
-Single Ladies: if you dont propose to me, Im going to go out to the club make a spectacle of myself

This is some real mature shit here *sarcasm*. the list goes on…ladies, you can follow this advice if you want to and see how far it gets you…Sadly, alot of girls and grown women think that they can pull this type of shit off because they saw Beyonce do it in a video. Trust me, I’ve seen it…

What they fail to realize is that Beyonce can make up fantasies about what its like to deal with men because she’s Beyonce. She’s spent the majority of her life on stage or under the watchful eye of her dad. If there’s one parallel btwn Yonce and MJ that stands out, you can bet your ass that the lack of a social life is one of the most prevalent. Solange can get pregnant at 17, but there was no FUCKING way Matt and Tina would have let Yonce get that far out of their eyesight for that to happen…

Just for comparison, here’s some MJ fantasies: He goes around fighting evil, protecting the world, and saving people from getting hurt…oh yeah, he turned into a zombie once…

Aint no way that Yonce, in her current incarnation, should be held up as an example…You can say what you want abt MJ and his various controversies, but when have you seen him advocating acting a motherfuckin fool?

Lemme wrap this shit up, B.

Beyonce is successful performer. Lots of people love her. MJ is a global cultural institution. A musical genius. One of the greatest vocalists of our time. One of the best dancers in history. An innovator in the field of music. A trailblazer that changed how the music industry works. A humanitarian. An inspiration. A hero. He left the world and broke the damn internet…

He is simply, the greatest entertainer ever to live. (c) Berry Gordy

Beyonce got a long way to go before she can event think about climbing that mountain.

Aint no next. There was only one.

Sorry, Ahmir.

Just add watermelon.(0)

Yall thought Spike Lee was crazy when he dropped Bamboozled 10 years ago.

I knew that he wasnt.

Here we are, folks!

Blackface in 2010!!!


Not only is she in Blackface, BUT she sayin that she can be a good whore, too…

“I can be a freak!”

Translation: “I can offer up my sexuality to you so you’ll notice me and maybe like me more…”

This some sad sad shit, people.

The effed up part is that Im not even shocked. I’ve seen this kinda shit coming down the pike for a long ass time.

Watch some gump cop pleas:
-”It’s not REALLY blackface…”
-”You guys are too sensitive…”
-It cant be racist, she’s Black!…”
-”Why yall n***as always tryan keep other n***as from eatin’? You cryin about a video??? What has yo ass done for the struggle?…”

etc, etc.

I can hear the chains rattling in the distance…

KFC Part 2-Dances With Chickens: One Actor’s Story…(0)

Aight so, you know how I feel about this whole dancin with chicken bullshit…

and I also realize that it’s hard to get work as a Black actor…

I also realize that TV money is good….REAL GOOD…

I just found out that talented comedian/tv personality Joe Clair has appeared in the Kentucky GRILLED Chicken spots…

Below is his account, which appears on hiphopdx.com:

http://allhiphop.com/stories/editorial/archive/2009/03/27/21290454.aspx

Joe Clair: That Funky Chicken

Published Friday, March 27, 2009 3:05 PM
By Joe Clair

THE FUNKY CHICKEN!

(an excerpt from the black man’s guide to surviving in Hollywood)

“like all my brothers eat chicken and watermelon/talk broken English and drug sellin’.”

KRS-ONE

Ok soooo…

Today I shot a commercial for a restaurant. I won’t mention the name but they make chicken. When I went on the audition a couple of weeks ago, I heard that little voice in the back of my head mention somethin’ about black men and chicken and stereotype, but I ignored it ‘cause my mind was blissful with the thought of something else. See, I was getting back to work. I love workin’. It makes me feel good to make some dough. This particular morning I was rushing into the commercial audition all joyous and happy. Things are pretty good in my life at the time. I’m a new husband and things are going well. I’m getting’ funnier and funnier on the mic. I had a little extra dough in my pocket. I was happy, and grateful to have the opportunity. In my joyous state I never thought past what I was doing at the moment.

What does this have to do with today?

Tell you in a minute. Just follow me for a second.

Soooo….

I go into the audition, which is a weird process that I’ll have to write about another time, and do my thing and I’m out. I got a session across town after that then I gotta get some work done in my office. I’m good. Fast forward a week, and I get a call from my agency telling me that I have a call back for the chicken people. When I heard my agent say chicken, the little voice came back, but this time it was singin’ “Mammie” and shuckin’ and jivin’. I still ain’t really listen to it though, I was happy I had done something right and gotten the call back. Feels good.

So I go to the callback and do my thing. This time I have to eat the chicken and then say the line. When I bit the chicken the little voice screamed at me “Obama!” but I was eatin’ and paying attention to the chicken and then Dave Chappelle from Inside the Actors Studio popped up and said, “You gotta set your price. And don’t take nothing less” or somethin’ like that, all echo-y and movie like. Too late, I was deep in it by now. The chicken was all hot and good. I was lovin’ my job.

Now, I guess I could have had a movie style “I can’t do this” moment and walked out of the audition but I didn’t. I ate the juicy ass drumstick and delivered the line like a pro. They said thank you and my agent called and told me I had booked later that day. It felt good. Gold star for Joseph!

What happened next n***a?

I’m getting’ to it.

Soooo…

Today I arrived on set at the designated time. This was a big production. They had a huge soundstage rigged to look like were just standin’ in whiteness like on those MAC computer commercials. They had tents and shit set up. They had a bunch of big white trucks that you see on big shoots. A couple of campers/trailers for wardrobe, hair/make-up and production. It was big.

My call time was right before lunch so I got to eat even before I worked. Food was off the chain. (it wasn’t chicken) When I got there an actor that I had bumped into from time to time in auditions was there, so I was kickin’ it with him ‘til I had to go on set. He had already worked and was asked to stick around in case thy needed something else. So while we were out there, a celebrity chef shows up ‘cause he’s in the spot too, playing himself. He has a person working with him, who’s a sister and all of us sit, talk shit and eat lunch together ’til it’s time to work. There was only one other black person on set but she was workin’ and ain’t eat. Anyway, the chef asked my man what we had to do when we get on set and he described what I had done in the audition and then he goes, “and then he ask you to act like a chicken and you gotta do a dance. A chicken dance with the chicken in your hand.” As he said those words a wave of disbelief permeated our little black contingent. It was like an urban legend come to life. Being asked to dance is already a bad one but being asked to dance with chicken is like go get another profession type shit when it happens. It’s the worst look of all. There is nothing sexy about being asked to dance with chicken in your hands in 2009. For a black actor it is the worst. The chef said “What?!” My man goes “Chicken dance brother.” The chef and me was like “you playin’. Man get the fuck outta here. Foreal?!”

Now the chef is a celebrity chef, that they asked to do the spot, so I knew he wasn’t gonna have to do it. But I was the willing slave ass actor, soooooo happy to have the opportunity, soooooo ready to get to work, just sooooooo muhfuckin’ joyous and full of glee and I knew they was gonna get my black ass to do it. The little voice came back with a couple of beads of sweat. The little voice said “ Do the chicken dance BITCH!” like the world’s greatest heckler. It started laughin’ at me and clowin’ me like I was havin a comedy club nightmare!…“Do the muthafuckin’ chicken dance.. N***A!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh haaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaa haahahahah ahhhhaaaahha ahahahhah. CHICKEN DANCE BITCH! DO THE CHICKEN DANCE BITCH! AAAAHHHH HAHAH HAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHA AHAHAHA HAHAH…….. FUNKY CHICKEN N***A!!!!!!”

I was snapped back into reality when the actor dude said “ yeah, I felt bad, but shiiittt a brother got a mortgage to pay.” Right then I made the little voice shut the fuck up. Those words brought it home. I got a mortgage to pay as well along with all kinds of other bills and shit that take a lot of work to maintain. So I’m like fuck it. It is what it is. I need to eat and I ain’t in a position to be throwin’ no money away. Fuck dat. Chicken dance it is. Ain’t this some shit.

Soooooooo.

I finally get on set, after getting’ bumped by the chef, to do my thing. It’s people all over the place doin what they do on set. Most of the people are white, most of ‘em are cool and speak to you , especially like the lighting dudes and the camera operators they crack jokes and make it a cool atmosphere. The people from the company and the ad agency however, are usually reserved and don’t say anything to you. You’re just another actor here to do the shoot. Anyway, I eat the chicken and say the lines and do that a bunch of times. They got a dude that gives me a new piece of chicken after every take. I say the line, take a bite, chew, spit it out , and get a new piece of chicken. There’s another lady that comes and wipes my mouth after each take while they switch up the chicken. It’s ill cause they are like older white people and it’s just, very surreal that I am eating chicken and a room full of white folks is there makin’ sure I do it right. Ill.

Did you dance n***a? !

See what had happened was……

After a long pause in production the director comes back and says “O.K. so now I want you to act like a chicken.” N***a, a chill ran down my spine. I know he ain’t mean nothin’ by it. He’s just doin’ his job. Plus they had been shooting for days and at least twenty or thirty actors done had to do it. So I’m like, “Cool. I’m an actor and this is a gig”. He gives me a few more directions and yells action. I act like a chicken. I tried to get real loose with it but just couldn’t. I did a good enough job though that it gotta a couple of laughs. He yells cut. Then he goes “ OK now I want you to dance with the chicken in your hands and eat while you dance.” Now I like to think that I saw a bit of embarrassment shoot across his face as he said it. That good old-fashioned white guy emabarrased by the race thing look they get in the movies and shit. Like he know he wrong to ask a black man to dance with some chicken but he got to get this done. I looked around the room and it was all eyes on me. And it looked like they probably said “the black guy gonna dance his ass off” before I got there. At that moment I wondered if they pictured me dancin’ while I was at the audition two weeks ago? “Fuck you gonna do?” I thought to myself as they readied the chicken for my consumption. The mortgage, the office rent, the other crib in Cali, cable bill, phone bill, insurance, car notes trickled through my brain. Simultaneously Morgan State, Red Black and Green, Huey P. Newton, Sojourner Truth, Orange Juice Jones, Queen Latifah, Nat Turner, Larry Davis, Birnie Mac and GhostFace Killah hit their mark as well. “What is I’m gonna do?”, I thought. “We gotta a black president and I’m dancin’ with chicken fo’ my pay”, I said to myself and the thought gave me a shiver. On cue, like a Wayans Brothers movie or some shit, this music comes from outta nowhere. They played a fucked up’90s remix of “Do The Funky Chicken”. I’m like “Aww Dayumm!”. I mean this was some ill shit. “What would Stark’s do in this situation?”, I thought. The director yells action and I gave the performance of a lifetime. My scene sucked, but the acting job I did of being delighted to do this was phenomenal. I didn’t get down with the song or nothin’. I t wasn’t a Jabberwockies moment but I did good enough, like a cool uncle at a cookout with a plate. I have a hard time hiding my emotions so I can’t wait to see what my face looks like.

You did the chicken dance n***a?

Yep. I did the fuckin’ chicken dance ladies and gentlemen. I like to think that it was God getting me back for clownin’ this dude at the comedy club the other night. Or maybe it was just my “Mammie” moment that almost all black actor/comedians have. I don’t know. I do know it was a funky ass situation that I never envisioned myself being in. But it is what it is. I’m gonna take the money from that jo’nt and ball out somehow. I owe it to myself….. But then again, I could be like the millions of people who have lost their jobs in the past year or so and be home watchin’ the n***a who ate the chicken, so maybe I should consider myself lucky and fortunate.

Holla back and tell me what you think.

Cleez

P.S. This editorial was written by pride. Pride has a valid point but, pride will leave a yo’ ass hungry as hell. So although pride wrote it humble is gonna live with it. As you can see folks, this thing has my mind messed up and goin’ every which way.

**********

Aight, Joe… we get it…

it’s hard out here for Black actors, gotta pay the bills, yaddayaddayadda…

Two words for you, Joe….cuz I respect you, man…you seem like a real solid brother…

FUCK THAT…

Dog, fuck that shit…

UNTIL Black actors stand up for themselves, Hollywood will continue to portray Black people how they feel like it….

and Im sick of that same excuse from EVERYBODY Black in the entertainment field….

“oh, I gotta eat…”

its work at the post office…

and we WONDER why:

-we dont have any power in the entertainment business

-our music is fucked up

-Black actors have to scrounge for work

its because we dont DO FOR SELF…

you can’t serve Massa and rise up at the same time, its not possible…

Hey, I work everyday…so Im not saying this from someplace on high…

Black folks talk about strugglin….but we dont care abt THE struggle….

We will struggle all day long as long as it is forced upon us…but when there’s a struggle that’s worth fighting that will benefit us in the end, we dont know anything abt that….

the struggles that our people face to get us here where we can have a Black president were fought willingly…..those people made the choice to tell The Man, “enough is enough”….

and because they had that courage, we reaped the benefits….

but I guess reaping the benefits of that struggle has softened us to the point that we’ll dance for chicken in 2009….and we dont have th courage like our the generation before us (the 60’s wasnt that long ago, yall) to say to The Man enough is enough…

Back then, they had dogs, hoses, and guns pointed at us….

now, its just a camera…

Sorry, Joe…I dont accept your weak ass excuses….the shame you feel is justified…you SHOULD be ashamed of yourself for disgracing Black folks….

I hope the money covers your expenses for while…but I also hope that your kids, your parents, and all of your ancestors who suffered horrible indignities see you dancing with chicken in 2009…

But you got your bills paid…Aint that the same thing prostitutes tell themselves?

Whatever gets you through the night, I guess…

“Don’t be eyein’ my bucket…”

Don’t worry, Joe…you earned it, it’s ALL yours…

KFC: You GOTTA be shittin’ me…(4)

There  are no roles for Black actresses...
There are no roles for Black actresses…

Like most Soul Brothers, I greatly enjoy a good piece of yarbird…

But for health reasons, it is rare that I indulge in the treat known as fried chicken…

It is even more rare that I patronize KFC…not because I have an issue with their menu…but because,  for some reason unbeknownst to me,  rats REALLY like kickin it there…

I remember pulling up to the KFC drive thru in the early 2000’s….the nice lady on the other end of the intercom politely told me that she’d be with me shortly…

while I waited, a relaxed looking rat emerged from the bush just beneath the intercom speaker…

just at that moment, the nice lady returned to tell me that she was ready to take my order…As she spoke, I was dropping my gear shift into drive…

“I’m cool…” , I replied as my car started toward the exit….

FFWD a couple yrs…

I’m residing in Oakland, CA…and there is a KFC right down the street from me….I decide to let bygones be bygones and once again partake of the bird they offer…

Then I saw this:

Yeeeeeaaah, fam….I really couldn’t fuck widdit no mo after that…the coincidences were far too great…

FFWD to 2009.

More and more people are conscious of what they eat…a growing number of people are avoiding fried foods, meat, or anything that comes from an animal (but fuck the plants, tho….KILL ‘EM DEAD!)

The good people at Kentucky Fried Chicken saw this coming years ago…In the 90’s, they officially changed the name of the company to KFC…

Why?

Because the word “FRIED” in their company name now had a negative connotation…KFC was on the cutting edge…

Yes, it is 2009.

4 months ago, we swore in the first Black president…

and last week, KFC introduced KENTUCKY GRILLED CHICKEN…

That’s right, hoes…

KFC is looking out for your health and respecting your right to choose…

to celebrate, the good folks at Colonel Harland Sander’s company unveiled a new website to promote this bold and innovative step in the future of fast food.

www.unthinkkfc.com

Go ahead….click that motherfucker…

KFC wants you to unthink everything you’ve ever thought about KFC…

so to underline that point…at first, you see a suburban looking white woman with a piece of Kentucky GRILLED Chicken in each hand dancing a jig to a faux funk groove while she chows down on the drumsticks…

“Clever…”, I thought to myself, “they dodged a MAJOR bullet by having a white woman monkeyshine with this chicken…”

I spoke too soon.

As the white woman disappears from the frame, a 30 something Black woman runs into the frame…

fists tucked into her underarms in a slightly squatted position, she proceeds to “flap her wings”, bug her eyes, stick her ass out and run around as if she is….

wait for it.

yes, a chicken…(see picture above)

Frozen in my seat from what I have just seen…a young brother appears in the frame…again, with a drumstick in each hand…

he munches the chicken as he dances around….looking very happy and grinning the entire time…

He is then replaced by an older Black man, who I am informed is Vanessa Williams’ brother, also with a piece of chicken in each hand….

he hoists the chicken in the air as he devours it…showing his elation by skipping, jumping in the air and clicking his heels together, and last but most certainly not least…by doing THE ROBOT…

Chicken Georgina returns to boogie down a lil bit before we get a pair of white twins to insure that people like myself see that’s its all in good fun and not insulting to Black people AT ALLLL…

Apparently, its okay to unthink everything you’ve ever thought about KFC…however, its cool to keep on believing the stereotypes about Black people and chicken…

For a moment, I’m outraged…

but then I remember, this is a company whose story in entrenched in that good ol’ American institution…

Hint: it ain’t baseball.

You REALLY think that’s his recipe?

Harland Sanders was born in 1890. Slavery was legally abolished in 1865.

Anyway….I admit I’m reaching a tad…

Get down with the Colonel, baby...
Get down with the Colonel, baby…

This isn’t the first time that KFC has committed a cultural faux pas…

ahhh….1992…

MC Hammer,  then America’s favorite Negro, danced and shuffled for KFC chicken on national television…

“Russ Beeler”, the Black fictional owner of a KFC franchise, presents Hammer with a precious gift…a gift only one Black man can give another…

bite-sized pieces of fried chicken.

Hammer opens the box and the chicken is illuminated…leaving a soft, warm glow on Hammer’s approving face…

Hammer just cannot stop eating the delicious nuggets of crispy chicken…even delaying the start of his concert (CP Time) until he has gulped down the last piece, which he throws in the air and catches in his mouth…

“like a dog…like a GODDAMN DOG, RITCHIE!!!…” (c) Esai Morales as Bob Morales in La Bamba

So…can we REALLY be surprised when KFC, given its history, decides that the BEST way to connect with its customer base is to show Black folks so overjoyed to have some chicken that they must boogie down?…well, because Black people dance so well…

What group of white folks sat around and conceived this shit and what group of white folks greenlit this shit?…

its shit like this that makes it hard for the races to get together (outside of the bedroom)…

if the white folks who came up with this really and truly believed that this was okay….white folks have a LONG way to go before we can stop giving them the side-eye…

But again, were you around for the last election?

Diane Fedele said she didnt mean to offend anybody...translation: I didnt think any n***ers would see it!...

Diane Fedele said she didn't mean to offend anybody...translation: "I didn't think any n***ers would see it!..."

“depicting Obama with chicken and ribs…that had nothing to do with race…”, says the Republican lady who ran the cartoon in her Republican newsletter…

*terrorist fist bump with my baby mama*

Precious Lord, take my hand….